Fitness guru’s, false dichotomies, and hookers

Over the years of working in gyms, it has become a habit to observe not only people inside of the gym, but also the staff of which I have worked with.  With this said I’ll name some fun and fairly true statements about gym gurus and fitness buffs of which I’ve heard and seen over the years:

1. To a guru, you are eating in two manners: similar to how they eat, or not healthy.

2. To a guru, you are training in two ways, similar to how they train, or not correctly.

3. A guru hasn’t eaten junk food in so long that they would get very ill when they eat it.

4. When asking a guru about their favorite food, they will usually answer with something very obscure, or something very f*cking digusting.

5. Guru’s have two views on bodyfat: you’re either close to where they are or you are out of shape.  I mean having 15 percent body fat on a male is just outrageous!  Good lord, call the obese police! 25 percent on a woman, ship her off to fat camp!

6. To a guru, you are always out of alignment, you always need help, and you always should use a bosu ball in order to achieve the alignment you need.

7. Guru’s love crossfit because it shocks your body all the time and you get in amazing condition.  Who cares about specificity and reaching for an actual goal!

8. Guru’s always make comments about their colleagues food choices, no matter what.

9. Guru’s won’t accept research claims unless it fits with what they agree with.

10. It’s all about functional training!  Put away the heavy weights and start learning how to squat while balancing a kettlebell on your nose on one foot while on a surboard during a tsunami in the indian ocean.  If you can do that you can do anything!

11. For some odd reason, guru’s can never handle red meat very well, but they’re always up for eating fish.

12. If a guru realizes you’re stronger than they are, they will point out how fat you are, and I mean hey you might be able to lift heavy but you could never handle the aerobic workouts they do.  Refer to 2 for why.

13. Guru’s drink tea, not coffee, because you know…. tea is much healthier.

14. Guru’s don’t watch much TV, they’d rather go hiking, bike riding, mountain climbing, or some other ridiculous activity that most people don’t do on most days of the week.

15. Ask a guru when they’re next race is for running, biking, or swimming.  Then ask them to walk that distance away from you so you don’t have to listen to them. (this is more of a fun idea)

16. Guru’s don’t wear deodorant because it interferes with natural smells.  Guru’s smell like shit.

17. The guru divorce rate is probably really high.

18. Guru’s rob children of lunch money so they can buy organic peanuts.

19. One time, I saw a guru become so in touch with nature that they turned into a deer.  I then shot the deer and ate it for dinner. (kidding kidding)

20. Guru’s, if not divorced, are probably in a rocky relationship with either another guru, or a complete douche bag.

21. A guru will never really push a client to get in real shape, they will just keep the client fat, but with terrific alignment in their knees, shoulders, and backs.

22. Guru’s have witch meetings and start making magic spells out of diet sodas, coffee, hamburgers, and white potatoes.  For some reason those items conjurer up evil.

23.  Guru’s have a homeopath on speed dial.  They have hookers and male escorts on speed dial too.  

24. Guru’s  would rather own animals than have children because they are evil.

25. Guru’s suck. (more of an opinion/fact)

 

There you go, 25 “facts” about guru’s.  Hope you enjoyed.